soul and pepper - glenferrie road hawthorn (rest of the address to follow if i can be fucked)

no soul. no pepper. no fucking pepper grinder. it looks good. it even has a nice looking menu. but don't be fooled. soul and pepper is evil. lousy staff, lousy food (if you can taste anything) and the fucking idiot box on in the corner to distract the boy/girl into whose pants you would dearly like to get. on the other hand, if there's a significant other who just bores the crap out of you and you've tried everything to dump them including the old 'i am gay' and 'let's go for a ride to the country', soul and pepper might be your saviour. at the very least the tv gives you something to do while you come up with another fiendishly clever plan like changing all your locks and speaking with a russian accent when you answer the phone - 'sche no here! you no kall bak, no?'

having said that, soul and pepper is crap. no, wait. i've already said that. that's how bad it is. tasteless, talentless, empty. you see where i'm going with this? if it was a car you'd push it over a cliff. if it was a dog you'd shoot it out of mercy. unfortunately both of these things amount to property damage in the case of a restaurant (i looked it up, believe me) so you have only one option left. stay the hell away. you will be sorry if you go. and sad. and, with any luck, lonely.