ricardo's trattoria - 99 dundas place albert park 9699 5536

i've got two words for you, ricardo's: p r. anyone out there know anything about marketing? like a lamb dressed as mutton, you'd run screaming from ricardo's unless you were cranky and starving, in which case it's an ok looking mutton. their business card looks like someone's three year old brought it home from kinder and it has been stuck on the fridge next to the electricity bill for six weeks. and the staff bear down on you as you step over the threshold with such speed and determination that the fight or flight response takes hold and customers either step back or take a kung fu stance.

but despite all that, the food's great. they bring you bread and water without being asked and they let you sit wherever you want. the last one is probably because the restaurant is empty - see paragraph one.

the other thing is the poncy manner of writing the menu in italian - how do you spell 'wanker' in italian? there's another place that does that - r.bar in port melbourne, but that place is run by the mafia so it's probably worth a clean shot to the head not to bag the crap out of them.

being in albert paarhk ricardo's should have been hideously expensive, but it wasn't and is also byo which is a bonus. doesn't really help their pr problem but if you want some fancy food in fancy surroundings without paying too much and without having to book two weeks in advance, this is a pretty good option. the staff are pleasant as well, they just don't know how badly that three year old is ruining their image.

usually in albert park a three year old makes your image - don't leave home without it. and the all wheel drive, turbo boosted, clutchless auto pram that is the ultimate accessory for the locals. but back to ricardo's - give it a go before they get a clue and hike their prices.