Tag Archives: european

toofeys – 162 elgin street (cnr drummond street) carlton 9347 9838

sounds like the beer. but nothing could be further from a slab of new south welsh beer. toofeys do seafood and they do it really well. in the same way squire’s loft do steaks, they have a token chicken dish. be prepared for a look of panic on the waiter’s face if you ask for the chicken. but sir, we do fish. that’s just padding. really, if you’re the sort of dickhead who goes to an italian restaurant and ask for the pasta ‘but no olive oil, and skip the garlic, and not too much tomato’, stay the fuck away. toofeys does seafood. go order the seafood, you fucking moron. otherwise, go to one of those all-you-can-eat buffet joints. you know the ones with the tables full of scary looking parents and retard kids high on food colouring and sugar. Continue reading

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the grand hotel – 335 burnley sreet richmond 03 9429 2530

we’re calling the grand our flood refuge, our island in the storm, our oasis, our le grande ile. going home one evening with traffic in all directions, i cracked the shits and parked near the grand. the plan was to wait until the traffic had died down and the road rage victims had been cleared away. Continue reading

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siblings – 601 burwood road hawthorn 9819 5555

remember the caramel cafe review? well siblings is around the corner, owned by the same people and it does a very nice dinner. ‘siblings’ because he waits and she cooks – and there are cute pictures of them on the wall. as the name implies, the atmosphere is warm, intimate and feels a bit like home. (so long as your home has tea light candles and ‘siblings’ printed on the table cloth.) Continue reading

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odyssey – the rocks sydney australia (look it up)

fate drove us to odyssey. oysters, lamb, and barramundi kept us there. fate in the form of horizontal rain, a miserable evening in sydney, australia. i’ve been to the rocks before, had a $40 piece of fish (that was a little expensive) and an $18 gin and tonic. i know how things go at the rocks. but i’ve never had anything like odyssey’s wine tasting and food. did i mention the high-tech wine tasting dispenser, the smart cards, stainless steel tubes with flashing lights? there’s even a glass of 1996 grange for $180 if you care to find out what all the hubbub is about. wow! Continue reading

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il fornaio panetteria and pasticceria – 2 acland street st kilda victoria 9534 2922

i really can’t find anything bad to say about il fornaio. by day, a panetteria and pasticceria (breads and cakes). by night, a low key, italian-inspired restaurant. and it’s all good.

hold the phone! now that doesn’t sound right! we tell it like it is and take no prisoners. fuck the establishment food-critics and all that. so whatup? well there are two main reasons for the previous sentence. Continue reading

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hibiscus restaurant and bar – 167 st georges road north fitzroy 9497 8101

it’s a big bloody flower. an hibiscus. or it’s a new restaurant and bar opened only 8 weeks ago in fitzroy north. what have the two got in common? unknown. but the restaurant variety has really good food, good waiters (except for the scary one with the multi-accent) and good wines. the flower variety smells good. Continue reading

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fairways – 55 golf house lane lancefield 5429 1903

everyone in the macedon hospitality industry showers at the same time. how do we know this? we called most of them in search of a restaurant that was open on a friday night and got them out of the shower. the water pressure sure must take a beating around 6.45pm. they were all getting ready to go out to dinner when they should have been in their restaurants serving us, godammit. it was the turn of champions restaurant at fairways to host the local restaurant industry tonight so we, by default, were eating at fairways, like it or not. despite telstra’s best efforts to misdirect us and send us to beaconsfield sportswear, we finally got through to lynne (just getting out of the shower) and informed her that we’d like a table in three minutes. she asked us to drive slowly so that she could finish her shower and make herself decent. Continue reading

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ezards at adelphi – 187 flinders lane melbourne 9639 6811

sweet and salty chocolate balls. sounds like a menu item from felicity’s fuck house. mai, non. they are just about the best after-dinner sweets i have ever had. i will eat dinner there just to get the choc knobs. there’s a very japanese flavour to the food here. sure you can get a steak done very excellently, but why would you when you can have an oyster shooter. it’s an oyster in a sweet sake-based shooter with wasabi. and you shoot it. hence the name. very original, i thought. Continue reading

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esposito@toofeys – 162 elgin street carlton 9347 9838

i’m back – i used to go to toofeys a lot a few years ago. it was a great place for fish, even better if someone else was paying. see our¬†review¬†from way back when. so when someone said to me recently ‘lets go to esposito@toofeys’ i thought – wanker!! what the fuck?! its not immediately clear who or what an esposito is and what they would be doing at toofeys. but, as i was not going to be parting with my hard earned cash, i thought, again, what the fuck. a different what the fuck than before, tho. Continue reading

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donovans – 40 jacka blv st kilda 9534 8221

boooooooring. if someone went to the shops, got a slab of ‘boring’, gift wrapped it in fancy coloured paper, the result would be donovan’s. i can’t think why i don’t like the place. it just gets on my tits. there was nothing that stood out. maybe a novel dish – no. some creativity – no. decor with taste – no. it was pretty expensive for what we got. there wasn’t anything specific i didn’t like except the oldies, the waiters, the food and the prices.

they’ll probably get shitty with a review like this. like i care. i just won’t go back. that’ll show them!

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