Tag Archives: bread

porgie and mr jones – auburn road hawthorn

i can’t believe i haven’t written about porgies before. a curious cafe name, admittedly, but a breakfast that’s second to very few and near the top of my list when a friend says “where shall we meet for breakkie?” (yes, i know it’s brekkie). it’s not all lollipops and gumdrops but the downsides must be insignificant because i keep going back.

first, the good shit. whenever we get a great brekkie there’s always a question that springs to mind. this is so good, how is it that so many paces can screw up eggs on toast?!! it’s not rocket surgery so why why why are there so many mediocre breakfasts on offer.
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zia’s cafe – hawthorn

i don’t want to have a go at zia’s but i just can’t help it. it’s a family run restaurant so you can’t expect it to be too classy. and it’s just not. god help me i don’t know what i expected it to be. you know when something happens and you just look around in disbelief, just to see if you’re in noddyland. want an example? i ordered wine and they just put it on the table – not open, just a bottle on the table. so i tried it myself, assured myself that it was ok, and poured myself a glass. noddyland. Continue reading

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trunk – 275 exhibition street melbourne 9663 7994 (somewhere on exhibition, over there, a bit to your left)

i remember when trunk was just some chinese place. sure it was expensive (it’s on exhibition – what the fuck do you expect?). now, though, trunk has taken on a decidedly italian flavour to their chinese food. and there’s no more chinese food. craziest chinese restaurant i’ve ever been to. lets just say it’s italian and move on. Continue reading

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trotters charcuterie – 400 lygon street carlton 9347 5657

where am i? i’m in rome. i’m in egypt. i’m on the suez canal 1938. no, just trotters on lygon street. not quite the same impact but we have gone back in time to when tea was tuppence a bag and butter was sold in dishcloth (i’m not going to say muslin) by a big sweaty man who smelled of cheese. Continue reading

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toofeys – 162 elgin street (cnr drummond street) carlton 9347 9838

sounds like the beer. but nothing could be further from a slab of new south welsh beer. toofeys do seafood and they do it really well. in the same way squire’s loft do steaks, they have a token chicken dish. be prepared for a look of panic on the waiter’s face if you ask for the chicken. but sir, we do fish. that’s just padding. really, if you’re the sort of dickhead who goes to an italian restaurant and ask for the pasta ‘but no olive oil, and skip the garlic, and not too much tomato’, stay the fuck away. toofeys does seafood. go order the seafood, you fucking moron. otherwise, go to one of those all-you-can-eat buffet joints. you know the ones with the tables full of scary looking parents and retard kids high on food colouring and sugar. Continue reading

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the point – aquatic drive albert park lake 9682 5566

i am a big fan of a good steak. just check out the squire’s loft and the grill room reviews. it’s not that i’m a big meat eater at all – i generally choose the vegetation option and don’t really cook meat at home – but fuck, the point is another step up in the steak stakes. they have their own meat supply (i think they have their own farm) so their beef is probably some of the best available. Continue reading

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the meat and wine company – queensbridge street southbank melbourne 9696 5333

i’m not sure i could think up a better name for a restaurant the serves yummy steak and awesome wine. while i do have half a cheek on the green bandwagon (and i appreciate that it takes a bazillion litres of water to make a mouthful of beef), i really really really like a good steak once in a while. come on, give me a break! i eat cardboard for a week afterward to make up for it. honestly. i thought that there was no better steak than squires loft. i still think it is one of the best i’ve ever had. everyone i have dragged along to squires (they always start out as unbelievers) has fallen in love with the steaks. but i was unprepared for the meat and wine company. despite being within smelling distance of a mcdonalds (who the fuck was in charge of leases in southbank?!)

i fell in love with the place. then i found out that, like squires, mawc has its roots in south africa. oh, those crazy south africans! i’d have to put squires and meat and wine on the same level. i don’t think i could choose between the two. if i had to differentiate (you can see i’ve been drinking a better vintage of wine) i’d say that the meat and wine company is the the girl who never swears and likes sex with candles lit. squires is like the girl who let’s you put your hand down her pants in the back row of the movies. both are good, at different times. don’t you like my analogies?

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the deanery – 13 bligh place melbourne 9629 3000

it’s not like you’re likely to wander past the deanery one day and think ‘that place looks nice, i’ll drop in for some tea and scones’. bligh place is basically an gap between two building masquerading as an alley pretending to be a lane. it is small and unless you’re looking for it, you’re unlikely to see the deanery. but when you do find it, well, bring an empty stomach (try not to eat for a few days) and your biggest flashiest credit card. jeeves can stay in the car, though. Continue reading

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squires loft south yarra – 166 toorak road south yarra 9824 0999

hey all you dead cow loving people, steaks aren’t half bad at squires loft. of course you don’t have anything else to compare it to because you can have anything as long as it used to walk on four legs and moo contentedly to itself. if you want a steak whether it be ‘fillet-so-small-i-can-herdly-see-you’ to a t-bone the size of a house cat, squires have it. no small selection of squashed grape drink to go with your steak. piss off you chardonnay sipping yuppies. grr. Continue reading

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siblings – 601 burwood road hawthorn 9819 5555

remember the caramel cafe review? well siblings is around the corner, owned by the same people and it does a very nice dinner. ‘siblings’ because he waits and she cooks – and there are cute pictures of them on the wall. as the name implies, the atmosphere is warm, intimate and feels a bit like home. (so long as your home has tea light candles and ‘siblings’ printed on the table cloth.) Continue reading

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ricardo’s trattoria – 99 dundas place albert park 9699 5536

i’ve got two words for you, ricardo’s: p r. anyone out there know anything about marketing? like a lamb dressed as mutton, you’d run screaming from ricardo’s unless you were cranky and starving, in which case it’s an ok looking mutton. their business card looks like someone’s three year old brought it home from kinder and it has been stuck on the fridge next to the electricity bill for six weeks. and the staff bear down on you as you step over the threshold with such speed and determination that the fight or flight response takes hold and customers either step back or take a kung fu stance. Continue reading

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outback – lygon street carlton

it’s kinda like a theme restaurant without the floor show. and with food that doesn’t taste like they scraped it off an aeroplane tray. try this – cover the first word on every menu item and the menu reads ‘soup, pie, steak, salad’. there’s nothing wrong with the food, you just need to question what it is that makes an ‘outback steak’ so different from a steak. in true paul hogan style they have kangaroo, crocodile and emu. tastes like chicken. Continue reading

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msida – 791 glenferrie roadd hawthorn 9818 1232

lets see if i can remember how this goes…its been a long time since i wrote anything here. it probably should be prophetic or at least inspirational. sadly, neither. it’s just a review of a really good restaurant, the first new restaurant that i’ve been really impressed with for a long time. and it’s called msida (pronounced emm-seeda) and it’s in hawthorn on glenferrie road. now where’s that return key again, i’m so rusty on this typing reviews stuff… Continue reading

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il fornaio panetteria and pasticceria – 2 acland street st kilda victoria 9534 2922

i really can’t find anything bad to say about il fornaio. by day, a panetteria and pasticceria (breads and cakes). by night, a low key, italian-inspired restaurant. and it’s all good.

hold the phone! now that doesn’t sound right! we tell it like it is and take no prisoners. fuck the establishment food-critics and all that. so whatup? well there are two main reasons for the previous sentence. Continue reading

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home – 601 burwood road hawthorn 9819 5555

the last time we visited home it was called siblings and it was in the hands of the loud (and assumedly deaf) mark – we were intrigued.

home. dining room. old books. stuffed toys. a rocking chair. it was like going to granny’s place for dinner. except that granny had died the day before and while most of her stuff (mostly the privates and the unmentionables) had been quickly shoved into the skip out  back, bits and pieces remained. it gave home a homey feel, a lived-in atmosphere, an inviting and reassuring air about it. we were here to investigate. Continue reading

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squires loft – st kilda road towers 1 queens road melbourne 9863 7700

i know it takes a gazilion litres of water to make my tiny 350g steak. i know it’s not environmentally friendly farming for a country with so little water. i know that cows have faces (something about veggies not eating anything with a face). i know all that! but it’s just so good sometimes to have moo cow at the squires. i crave steak, you know, once every few weeks. can you greenies overlook this one teensy vice of mine? Continue reading

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gills diner – gills alley melbourne 9670 7214

just try and find gills alley. i dare you. it’s not easy. and so not what you expect, either. alley is probably overselling the whole narrow laneway thing. and diner doesn’t come close to describing what is achieved at gills diner. if you imagine an old car repair shop with bakery cafe in the front, tables and chairs in front of an immense kitchen in the back and top class food and service, that would be gills. Continue reading

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