velvet bar – 331 bay street port melbourne 9645 1080

if you close your eyes and think of a bar called velvet, you can probably see velour couches, darkened corners and cigars next to the fire. if, on the other hand, you actually go there you find your basic cafe with your basic tables, chairs and double decaf-mocha-frappa-ccinos. it is of course part of the new port melbourne with every try-hard double income, no kids couple running around having fun fun fun.

our experience began with verbal jousting with the clever rocket scientist posing as a dumb waitress trying to take our order. it went something like this;

‘we’ll have the blah blah wine, two glasses please’
‘which one?’
‘the blah blah wine from nz’
‘oh, the blah blah wine. and it’s just one glass?’
‘no, two’
‘ok, two glasses’
‘and can we have a muffin too?’
‘ok, so a muffin and two glasses of the blah blah wine’
‘eh, yes’

i was just exhausted (and not a little bewildered) after all that. it’s amazing that these people get their pants on the right way round in the morning. the wine wasn’t that good anyway so that kind of took the fun out of the whole ‘dealing with the challenged waitress’ experience. i mean, we all want them to get through a full day without someone walking away shaking their head and, oh, i don’t know, go crazy and learn how to take orders properly. i just don’t want any of this to affect me when i want to make my order.

i actually like the fact that they seemed to have given up on the idea of ‘variety’ and just shoved blueberries, raspberries and chocolate chips. it carries a certain ‘i can’t be fucked thinking about three different types of muffins’ and just heads straight for ‘one muffin fits all’. but the water shortage must have hit the muffins at velvet coz ours was as dry as a nun’s gusset.

so if the wine is average and the muffins lousy, well, i just can’t find it in my heart to recommend that you go to velvet. nothing really stands out – i really wouldn’t bother.

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