Category Archives: bars

drinking holes. some are a bit fancy, some are not.

newmarket inkerman street st kilda

i will literally kill for their delicious pork ribs. yes, yes, i know we should all be vegetarian because meat wastes too many resources that we don’t have, future generations, think of the children… but. pork ribs. pork. ribs. well, that’s all i got, really. why am i banging on about pork ribs? newmarket has them. slow cooked, in spicy sauce. where’s my gun?

and if pork ribs (seeing pending killing spree note warning above) were not enough, how about a slow roasted leg of lamb? or some spicy sliced chorizo with peppers? or fresh quesadillas? how about them indeed?! took about 15 minutes flat to polish the lot off. curse their deliciousnessess!
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izakaya jiro – 830 glenferrie road hawthorn 03 9818 7163

japanese food is just not meant to be ‘starter-followed-by-main-followed-by-dessert’. boring boring! it drives me nuts that so many cuisines change their menu to fit what they think we want. you do know the cow is still not eaten in india and the majority live on a mostly vegetarian diet, right? so why is there so much meat on an indian menu? it just makes no sense.
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velvet bar – 331 bay street port melbourne 9645 1080

if you close your eyes and think of a bar called velvet, you can probably see velour couches, darkened corners and cigars next to the fire. if, on the other hand, you actually go there you find your basic cafe with your basic tables, chairs and double decaf-mocha-frappa-ccinos. it is of course part of the new port melbourne with every try-hard double income, no kids couple running around having fun fun fun. Continue reading

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zimmer – acland street st kilda

want wiggly hips and uncoordinated, drunken dancing? you can see that anywhere on a friday night in melbourne. want all that plus loud south american music? zimmer has the answer. girls who think they can dance like the flamenco coupled with boyfriends/pickups with no sense of rhythm or space, personal or otherwise. the waiters are paid danger money lest they lose an eye or a limb. if michael flattley worries you this would scare the crap out of you. one bloke nearly did lose an eye, thankfully only permanent disfigurement. Continue reading

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yak bar and food – russell street (cnr flinders lane) melbourne 9654 6699

i like yak. i hate yak. i don’t fucking know. sometimes we go and it’s really good. bar staff actually serve you, you get your drinks within the hour, you can find places to sit. other times there are no seats, the ‘bar staff’ do another job entirely, drinks can be viewed behind the bar but not actually touched or tasted. ‘can we sit here’? ‘that table’s for six and you only have five’. asshole. Continue reading

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wine bank – 45 view street bendigo 5444 4655

it was a bank and now it sells wine. wine bank. crazy, huh? and how many bloody bank/bars use the fucking vault as a cellar? so original. of course, if they didn’t use it as a cellar i’d be moaning about why not. they can’t win.

but it’s not all bad news. while menu is not exactly el cheap eats, the people they employ can’t add and seem to have hearing problems. so the chances are you’ll get free food after asking for it at volume a number of times. woohoo! Continue reading

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trust bar – 405-411 flinders lane melbourne 9629 9300

this sort of place should be jammed on excellent thursday or even mediocre wednesday. there was lots of empty space and there were places where people weren’t standing either. imagine a mix of b(w)ankers, guidos, old people in cardigans, and rip-curl boys all in the one place. this place is having a serious identity crisis. and i haven’t even got on to the drinks yet. let’s face it, if someone sealed the doors and threw in a few grenades, would anyone miss these people? i’m not encouraging anybody to do that. my point is that there are about 200 bars in the city and about 198 places better to go. the other shit one is pony. Continue reading

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troika – 106 little lonsdale street melbourne 9663 0221

if you rocked up to troika bollock naked, no-one would give a shit. it’s that kind of place. it’s not big, it’s not very comfortable. it’s in a shitty lane in the centre of melbourne. not much going for it really on the outside, apart from the sign that looks like they stole it from an optometrist’s. makes you want to hold your hand over one eye to read it. inside, it’s a different story. good music and good drinks. we had our first long island iced tea together there. it was very special moment for me – it brought tears to my eyes. at 40 bucks for two drinks, it’d bring tears to anyone’s eyes. i’ve never tried the food at troika. i’m usually well fed before i get there. i just need some watering. Continue reading

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tony starr’s kitten club – level 2/267 little collins street melbourne 9650 2448

this place is sexy in an old fashioned great gatsby sort of way. sitting at the window overlooking flinders lane you could almost be lauren becall or bogey thinking about the one you loved and lost. all the girls should be wearing georgette and strings of pearls and the guys should take off their hats when they duck through the door. kitten club lacks the frenetic imbibing that marks some of the other city bars. (yes, gin palace, that means you). it’s usually dark at the kitten club, the lamps make everyone look sexier. anyway, that is my original impression of kitten club, in the two most recent visits kc has gone from understated glamour to trailer park trash. rude and unhelpful staff, bright lights, all atmosphere gone, the place has turned into a tarty call girl named candy. Continue reading

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the saint – 54 fitzroy street st kilda 9593 8333

this is a cool place. literally, they seem to be able to open so many doors and windows that it is an architectural feat that the roof doesn’t cave in and flatten all the beautiful people. sorry, i meant to say it’s a shame it doesn’t flatten the assholes. collateral damage i’m willing to put up with. Continue reading

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the red eagle hotel – 111 victoria avenue albert park 9699 9744

i can really only talk about this place from a bloke’s view point. maybe it’s a smorgasbord of hot flesh for the babes. try as i might, i can’t put myself in their shoes and see that. you could always email us a let us know. frankly, i really don’t give a fuck. this is my review and i’ll say whatever i bloody well want. Continue reading

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the melbourne supper club – 1st floor 161 spring street melbourne 9654 6300

when you don’t have the network contacts to get you membership to the melbourne club, you can still find overpriced drinks and mingle with poncy stuck up people hell-bent on spending someone else’s money to impress or pick up at the melbourne supper club. on the other hand; comfy sofas, more hours open than closed and there when you’re desperate to dull the pain on your wallet. Continue reading

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the long room 162-168 collins street melbourne

i’m not sure what i expected from long room. obviously i’m thinking it’s a room and it’s long. i speculated that they serve drinks of some sort and that there would be some sort of music. past that i was willing to go with the flow. the first thing that surprised me was the retail store front with door bitches to prevent people without collared shirts from getting in. i mean, we all know that when you wear a collar, you’re a better class of person. in spite of the overwhelming evidence against my choice of clothing, i was permitted into the inner sanctum. i should have known better. Continue reading

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the lobby bar – level one and level two 133-135 fitzroy street st kilda 9593 6369

this place is very dark and has very cool red touches and funky decor. it is actually way too cool for a cinema lobby bar. they are usually places with paisley carpet and cigarette burns in the wallpaper. picture some overweight smelly public servant propping up the bar and smoking constantly. but we are talking fitzroy street here, and an uncool bar in this street would probably be overrun with chicks in denim miniskirts and ugg boots within seconds as being the next happening thing. (ugly is the new beautiful or some such crap). Continue reading

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the gin palace – 190 little collins street melbourne 9654 0533

what do you reckon they serve here? hint – their beer is really, really good. anyway, three types of people frequent this royal establishment. which one are you?

type one – the office wanker, i mean, office slave/whore/worker. he/she has spent the entire day under fluorescent lights staring at a screen which simultaneously bombards the brain with enough email to choke a camel and irradiates their testicles/ovaries so that any children they may have will suffer from attention deficit disorder and acute ugliness. they’re the ones spilling gin down their charcoal armani/gucci suits while ‘entertaining’ their ‘captive audience’. audience – too drunk to move, talk, breathe. they are invariably loud and crass and the topic of conversation is either the property market or football. a real gem. Continue reading

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the croft institute – croft lane melbourne

everyone who works here should be called igor. i’m sure the designers were going for a med school frat party sort of atmosphere but all the beakers, medical equipment and glassware makes you feel like you’ve stumbled on to some b-grade movie set: frankenstein’s other monster: the return: with a vengeance. everyone’s just a little spooked out but trying not to show that they’re not sure if some stitched together freak isn’t going to walk out of a cupboard any minute. Continue reading

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the city wine shop – 159 spring street melbourne 9654 6657

why have i never been to the wine shop. or the european, for that matter. it’s a question i’m still asking myself with no good answer. the wine shop is directly under the supper club and beside the european restaurant. the same guy owns all three (lucky fucker) and has basically cornered the market in cool. in the spring street area, anyway. Continue reading

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suede – 284 smith street collingwood 9417 1860

it’s friday night, we’ve put up with lots of crap from stupid sue and dopey neil this week, and we’re just bloody hungry. this place had been recommended, but a street kiosk with a decent supply of choc wedges would have filled the hole. we couldn’t find a kiosk, so we wandered into suede instead. Continue reading

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pony – 68 little collins street melbourne 9662 1026

dark and grungy, pony will appeal to dreadlocked freaks as well as dodgy businessman-with-daughter. a perfect hiding place from the bobby mcgee crowd (see yak). on the pretentiousness scale, it’s the nail that holds the bottom of the scale from falling over. what you see is what you get – wysiwyg (apple not microsoft). the sofas have that ‘son/daughter screwed here for years without you knowing’ feel about them. why has the sofa sagged so much, honey? the upper floor hangs on by the carpet and the toilets construction and materials used are probably on a u.n. hazardous material list somewhere. do you dare to drink here? bridies is always next door… Continue reading

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polly – 401 brunswick street fitzroy 9417 0880

polly, polly, polly. old faithful. there when we need a lounge sofa, not a bar stool. when it’s quite obvious that the people we are with are going to sod off at midnight and we are just getting fired up, polly is the place to be. the bar staff actually attend to your desires as opposed to ‘not more bloody customers?’. g&ts are pretty good (although we did once get a gin and bitters when going for the gin and bitter lemon so they lost some points there). they have a cigar menu and a big range of girly cocktails but they can mix a few of the more serious ones too. long island iced teas are pretty lethal but don’t let us see you drinking something with frothy egg in it. Continue reading

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